Not Everyone is a Hugger

Here is a link to a story I was interviewed for on hugging,
http://www.herald-mail.com/?module=displaystory&story_id=141485&format=html

Not Everyone's a Hugger
By: Julie E. Greene
June 30, 2006
julieg@herald-mail.com

Candace Culbreath, 17, of Mont Alto, Pa., saw an older friend she hadn't seen for years at the Mummers' Parade last year and got an unexpected, uncomfortable hug.
"The hug was kind of extended and he was a little too close," Candace recalled.
So she pushed him away a little - drawing a funny look from him, but message received.
Sometimes hugging just isn't appropriate, but huggers might not be aware or just might not care. On Wednesday Candace averted an oncoming, unwanted hug from a friend's boyfriend by sticking her hand out for a handshake as he approached. That's exactly what she should have done to avoid an unwanted or creepy hug, experts said. "Put the arm out first to establish the greeting and that will eliminate a lot of the unwanted hugging and kissing. Not all of it, but some of it," said Barbara Pachter, an author and expert on business and international etiquette.

If an extended arm doesn't stop the oncoming hug, turn to present the side of your body and wrap an arm around the person's shoulder so it's a side-to-side hug rather than a frontal hug, said Patti Wood, a body-language expert and author of "Success Signals: A Guide to Reading Body Language." About 3 percent of the American population finds touch repugnant, Wood said. Whether a hug is appropriate often depends on a person's perception of what's good and bad, she said. People have become more aware of sexual harassment since the 1980s, Wood said. Now, people often find a hug or kiss uncomfortable because they perceive some sexual intent. A guy might press his chest against a woman's breasts too closely, or put his pelvis up against a woman's body, or the hug might linger too long, she said. Wood said men rarely see a woman hugging a man as uncomfortable and if they do, it's because he doesn't know her that well.

However, Pachter said even some men don't want to be hugged. Wood said it tends to be female salespeople who have the biggest problem with inappropriate hugs - from clients. In sales, sometimes people like to hug and kiss because it shows you have a special relationship, Pachter said. "But - and it's a huge but - you need to understand that it sends messages and people might not like the message," she said. For instance, a saleswoman who goes to hug and kiss a long-standing client in front of the client's new co-worker might be giving the new co-worker the wrong idea, Pachter said. He might now think it's OK for him to hug and kiss her.

Pachter knows of one instance in which a saleswoman who regularly hugged and kissed a certain client, saw the client out at dinner one night and gave him a big hug and kiss - in front of his wife.
That was not OK, Pachter said. "You need to know where you are when you're doing these things," she said. Awkward kisses can be more difficult to combat than hugs because sometimes it's cultural and a person could lose out on business, Wood said. For instance, the French like to do the "triple kiss." Yolonda Pikemuccini, of Waynesboro, Pa., said how she reacts to an unwanted hug depends on the setting.

Overseas, a hug could be a cultural gesture so she'd be less uncomfortable with that. If someone she'd just met or didn't know well - in the states - tried to hug her, Pikemuccini said she'd hold her purse and make sure everything stayed in her wallet. Staci Gigeous, 25, of Hagerstown, said sometimes she's allowed the hug but then stepped back nonchalantly afterward so there's more personal space between them to send a message for the future. Or, in some instances, she'll say something to the person so there isn't another occurrence.

The moves people make to avoid hugs are the same ones that people who want to hug others should keep an eye out for so they don't share an unwanted embrace, Wood said. This includes eye contact dropping down.

"If you're a hugger, be conscious of those," she said.

What hugs mean a nonverbal interpretation

I got an email today from past interpersonal skills training class participant asking me the following question about hugging
At least two times in the last month I have observed (in my close presence) two sets of two co-workers one male, and one female who had not seen each other in some time who hugged emphatically. In each case, the individuals were very glad to see each other -- it took me by surprise.

Since this is something I would never do, I was wondering if I could read any thing into it.

I responded. I did research on hugging in my doctoral program and as you might guess so much depends on how the hug was given and received, what parts of the body made contact with other parts and how long the hug lasted. It is even important to watch the facial expressions of the people as they are hugged and how their fingers grip or rest on the other person. In general, upper body hugs are typically friends ship hugs and full body with the lower torso pushed forward can indicate sexual intimacy.

'Hugging while briefly touching cheek-to-cheek hug is the typical celebrity socialite hug when someone does not want to add a more intimate kiss on the lips. that says "I Love You" even more with an added kiss on the lips.
Hugging while Resting gently and lingering cheek to cheek is much more intimate.

Tepee hug. Hugging with just the upper body with the torso actually pulled away and the rear end pushed back is a hug that emphasizes friendship rather than sexuality.

A Big Bear hug is defined by the arms being wrapped fully around the person and being pulled in tight with a quick but tight secure squeeze. This shows enthusiasm for seeing someone and can also show someones need to show power over or protection of the huggee.
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Spoon Hug-While not normally thought of as a hug, when you spoon one partners arms are often wrapped around the other as you lie in bed on your side with the huggers front pressed up against the full back and torso on the hugge. .
Feel better hug- I just gave this hug to a friend yesterday who was laid off last week. I didn't even think about it I just wanted to pull him in close and with my arms wrapped around his shoulders and let my full palms rest there and linger a bit longer with a almost rubbing motion as I pulled away. I didn't pat, because guys don't typically like patting it makes them feel mothersmothered.